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You Wouldn't Think a Day Could Be This Pathetic Before Noon…

November 5, 2009

Sometimes I wish I were the type of mild-mannered Christian woman who faces some sort of adversity and says, “Well that’s just a blessing in disguise!” or “I’m so thankful for this unexpected opportunity for spiritual growth.” But let’s be honest…I have a better chance of making the Olympic Curling team than I do of that ever happening. That being said, here is my beef with this day in chronological order:

First of all, it’s the fifth, and fives are notorious for hating me. I don’t know what I did to upset them, but it’s clear that we are not on good terms. So this day was pretty much doomed as soon as the clock struck twelve. Which is also when I went to bed because I was watching the World Series, and also the reason why I was none too pleased when my alarm went off a mere 6 hours later. Leaving my hotel for the day before 7:00 am doesn’t exactly foster sentiments of contentment and joy, but what better way to rectify that than a steaming cup of coffee from the Promised Land? Imagine my dismay when I plugged Starbucks into my GPS and found not one near my current location, current route, or destination. Still attempting to befriend this day, I decided that I would just get coffee anywhere along the way; so long as I could be caffeinated this day and I could start amiably. Imagine my horror at driving all the way to my first high school visit without passing a single establishment willing to sell me a cup of coffee. Time: 7:45 am. Not a good start, Thursday, not a good start.

I plow on. I walk into my first visit feeling like my eyes have been tethered shut and my brain has been submerged in cement. The decaffeinated world has such a blurry, underwater quality to it at 8:00 am. However, I was quickly snapped into awareness at learning that I was scheduled as the Chapel speaker of that day. For the entire high school, about 150 kids. Imagine my surprise at finding out this juicy morsel of knowledge. Now on most days I would be able to take this in stride and run with it. However, on the second to last day of two months of travel with no coffee and zero tolerance for surprises, striding was out of the question. After taking in my befuddled expression the teacher who informed me of the duty I was about to perform asked, “Oh, did you not know about that?” Yes, I always look like I’m about to be hit by an oncoming bus when I’m fully prepared for an event.

So, much to my chagrin and everyone else’s, I spoke in Chapel. Time: 8:30 am. Thursday was really on a roll at this point.

The first thing I do when I get into my car is type Starbucks into my GPS, knowing it is the only entity which will save this day from it’s quickly approaching demise. I found one 9 miles away from the school I was leaving, and it was only 5 miles from the school I was going to. The sun shone a little brighter, the birds sang a little sweeter, and I took back a few of the more nasty thoughts I had directed toward Thursday.

Imagine my all-consuming rage when I find out that my demonic GPS has brought me to a rest stop on the thruway which, although is geographically only 5 miles from my next location, is actually 35 MILES away due to lack of appropriate exits and roadways leading to the school. Time: 9:00 am. At this point the sound of the impassioned screams emanating from my car could be heard state-wide.

The Starbucks in hand assuaged some of my wrath, although more and more crept back in with every additional mile I drove. Imagine my need for antidepressants as I pull into the parking lot of the school and find it to be, “Home of the VIKINGS!” Of course. Time: 10:00 am.

Being an Admissions Counselor at a college fair guarantees a variety and quality of conversation unfathomable to the rest of the sane world. I’ve been asked some interesting questions before, but this one is probably up there on the list of All Time Bests. After speaking with a student at length about our criminal justice major, he begins to gather brochures from the table. I ask, “Have you ever heard of Roberts before?” Imagine my mind shutting down in an act of self-preservation upon hearing his response, “What’s Roberts?” Time: 11:00 am.

And, last but not least, imagine my total complacency at finding out that the college fair was raffling off Starbucks and Barnes and Noble giftcards to the admissions counselors, and I missed the memo about entering the drawing. It went so well with the theme of the day that I didn’t even flinch. Time: 12:00 pm.

This day and I are officially done. In my head, it’s already the 6th.

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